An Epiphany: How a New Diagnosis Helped Me To Embrace Life
In the process of developing Vita COLITUR, I found myself not quite being ready to put the podcast or blog posts up, and I wasn’t sure why. It has been a full year since this idea came to me, which is more than enough time to develop it. It was frustrating. I had done interviews, I was editing and I was…stuck. Was I just feeling blocked, or perfectionistic or having some sneaky bout of imposter syndrome? I couldn’t put my finger on it, other than a deep part of me said “Not Yet.” I realized it was more a feeling of “the fruit isn’t ripe yet” than any sort of feeling of lack on my part. It was difficult to be patient. I didn’t know what I might be waiting on, what vision or direction or state of being…
Today I had an answer…
photo: Lynn Morgan Rosser - Candle Circle, Wholeness, Light
Back story: (medical Trigger Warning)
Early January I had to go in for a follow-up mammogram to check on a suspicious spot on one side. It went from suspicious to “we need a biopsy” to “stage 1 invasive ductal carcinoma.” Now, this isn’t something life threatening at this stage in the game, so I am very grateful for that. However, it will require surgery and daily radiation treatments during the week for around 5 weeks. That is all I know so far, so hopefully that is all it will be. (Get your mammograms done, my sisters!)
This is my second experience of having cancer. My first was MUCH WORSE. I had Stage 2-3 Hodgkin’s back in 1990. The treatment was hard-core chemo and it was definitely life threatening. I was much sicker then, the treatment was longer (six months), and I was in the process of finishing college and getting married the same month as my diagnosis. So, while this new challenge is not going to be fun, and there will be tears, pain and frustration, it is far from the worst thing I’ve ever been through, personally.
Back to my epiphany…
If I can sum it up, it is as follows:
I am no longer afraid to be wholly myself, to share what I want to share, to experience what I want to experience and to live how I want to live. The realm of the “possible” has expanded. This is personal freedom.
This doesn’t mean I will live without the wisdom I’ve accumulated or go wildly hedonistic — rather it means that all the wisdom and experience I’ve cultivated can actually be put to use without inhibition, without fear, and in the service of living my life in the best way I can.
i also realized that If this new medical situation had been worse, if I were facing a more difficult path in terms of prognosis, I would be filled with regret. I am very grateful that the way forward holds such strong promise, even if it is scary and difficult; I can do this hard thing knowing there is a light on the other side of it. That is a gift. But knowing I would have the grief of regret under different circumstances is something I can work on now, so that kind of baggage will no longer be attached to me, or at least not as much.
Looking at the Now and BEING who I want to be, who I envision I can be RIGHT NOW, rather than assuming I can’t or that my dreams are forever far away, is the state of being I am committed to cultivating on a daily basis. Even if I have skills to master and develop, even if there are mountains to climb internally and externally, the idea of creating and cultivating my life (see my first blog post What is Vita COLITUR?) gives me strength. It is empowerment in the face of yet another life challenge that could leave me feeling helpless. It is a way forward in the dark.